Amor Fati

Just last week I was buying a birthday present for one of my son’s friends. At the store we found a present marked as $25. It was a huge NERF gun that seemed way too big for $25, but I didn’t pay much attention to the details on the tag. We decided to get that one. $25 seemed reasonable to spend on an 8^th birthday present. But when I got to the front counter, the cost was actually $45 – either I misread the label, or the NERF gun was in the wrong spot.

We were against the clock, and my son was already committed, assuring me that this was the one that his friend would love. It would take time (and likely tears) if I tried to convince him to go back and choose something else. I was irritated at having to fork out more than I was prepared to, but I sucked it up and paid the $45, knowing full well that this toy would likely be broken or lost within a few days. Oh well.

Anyway…..the irritation hung with me for a short while. I should have let it go more easily because, in the whole scheme of life, that difference of $20 is nothing. But it had been a long day and I just wasn’t at my best.

Nevertheless, after about 20 minutes, I was able to dip into my toolbox and the irritation faded. I had remembered a very important concept that helps in any annoying situation…

A Chinese parable.

There’s a fantastic parable that I tell occasionally in workshops.

One day, a Chinese farmer’s horse ran away.

His neighbours came to sympathize: “Oh no, that’s terrible that the horse ran off!” they said.

He simply replied: “Maybe. We’ll see.”

The next day, the horse returned and brought three wild horses back with it.

“Wow! Amazing fortune!” the neighbours cried.

The farmer again said, “We’ll see.”

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the wild horses, fell, and broke his leg.

“Awful news!” they said.

“We’ll see,” the farmer replied.

Then, a week later, the army came through the village, demanding all able-bodied young men come to war. His son was spared because of his broken leg.

“Wow, what luck!”

“We’ll see.”

This could go on and on…forever really. The farmer’s perspective is a demonstration that anything can happen at any time, and we really should live in a world of acceptance over everything else. There is freedom in accepting what happens to us, and Amor Fati (a Latin phrase that means ‘to love our fate’) is a concept that takes this one step further. Amor Fati means that we don’t merely accept what happens to us, but we strive to LOVE it. Whether we label something as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ it doesn’t matter - the idea is to appreciate whatever it is.

Amor Fati in the modern workplace

Of course, it’s not easy to ‘love our fate’ when we are made redundant, when we lose a critical sale, or when the boss criticizes our work. We’re likely to see these situations as negative. And with that label, we immediately feel loss, irritation, stress, anxiety and more!

But where do those feelings lead? It’s a big question, but a fundamental one. In my opinion, it usually always leads to a form of suffering. Our suffering. The pain continues long after the moment has passed, or we spend energy wishing we could turn back the clock and do it differently.

Unfortunately, none of that worrying makes any difference. The only thing that can make a real difference is what we do now. Right now. How do we take an annoying moment and see it as an opportunity?

Here’s what I do when things don’t go my way.

Gratitude. I take a second to remember what I actually have, rather than what I don’t. Gratitude never gets old for me, and it’s the quickest, easiest way to shift our mindset towards something positive.

Zoom out. I try to see the big picture. If I lost $20 because I wasn’t paying attention, then what does that mean in the whole scheme of life? To do this, I ask myself whether it will matter in 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years.

Reframe. I try to see opportunity in every moment. Ok, so the boss didn’t like my work? What’s the opportunity here – can I use it as fuel for improvement, or do I question whether this person’s opinion is even worthwhile and I need to find a new place to thrive?

Get to work. I get to work on what’s important. The acronym WIN (What’s Important Now) works wonders for this. It immediately resets the mind to look for the most pressing action I can take which immediately building momentum towards a solution.

Amor Fati helps us embrace the good, bad, and ugly of life. All of it. The hard stuff, the unexpected stuff, the moments that annoy the hell out of us.

And it’s in these moments that a certain level of appreciation (not just acceptance) can forge the mindset that turns obstacles into opportunities. Not in a toxic positivity kind of way, but in a grounded, resilient, eyes-wide-open kind of way.

Life never gives us clean answers. But our response can always be “we’ll see”.  

Until next time friends, stay resilient.

Carre @ Resilient Minds

P.S. If you’re curious about how to build resilience into your team, your school, or your own life, I’d love to help. I run workshops, talks, and programs designed to prepare people for whatever comes next. Let’s chat.